


Be My Thrill

by CourtneyCourtney



Series: Stubborn Love [1]
Category: Bob's Burgers (Cartoon)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Asthma, Character Study, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Growing Up, Male-Female Friendship, Near Death Experiences, References to Illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-05-29 11:47:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6373528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CourtneyCourtney/pseuds/CourtneyCourtney
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rudy is a smart child, objectively speaking. He knows his limits; he knows better than any other kid his age because his limits are much lower than it’s starting to seem fair. He knows there’s a word for knowing but not caring, for plowing right ahead and doing what you want, regardless of the danger.</p><p>Rudy is reckless, he guesses. It didn’t take standing waist-deep in the Atlantic Ocean watching Louise Belcher do a dead man's float to reach that conclusion, but now's as good a time as any to reflect on it.</p><p>(or, five times Louise got Regular Sized Rudy in trouble over the years, plus one time he returned the favor)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Be My Thrill

**Author's Note:**

> This... got away from me.
> 
> I started writing this story believing I identified most with Louise before realizing I actually have more in common with poor, sweet Rudy. Fortunately I’m only allergic to _some_ things and not _most_ things. I definitely used the “I need to go use my spare inhaler” excuse to straight up walk out of class/the school once or twice, though.
> 
> Title from The Weepies' song of the same name
> 
> The numbers before each scene are meant to be Rudy's age at the time.
> 
> If you ever notice the wordcount number bouncing around, it's just me going back and fixing typos.

 

 **Louise** : Did we get away with it, Rude?

 **Rudy** : Perfect crime. * _uses inhaler_ * I’ve tasted life, and I’m hungry for more.

             - “Carpe Museum”

 

 

_six_

Rudy is at the party less than one minute when he’s tackled. Technically, he isn’t even at the party yet. He shrieks as both he and whoever’s arms are around his shoulders hit Tiny Peter’s front lawn, rolling across the freshly-mown grass. He didn’t even make it to the front door, Rudy thinks before the rush of adrenaline kicks in.

He and whoever is still attached to his back slow to a stop, both breathless and gasping for air, but he doesn’t feel as bad as he knows he can. He knows he should be more worried about his health or his wrinkled clothes or his assailant, on more pressing matters.

“You crushed my present,” Rudy says instead, staring plaintively at the lopsided box on the lawn before him. There’s a small tear in the light blue paper, showing the front label of the model plane kit inside, but if he stacks it behind some others, Peter probably won’t even notice it.

“Sorry,” a girl’s voice replies between panting breaths, lisping a little on the ‘s.’ She disentangles herself from him and Rudy rolls away onto his stomach. Out of the corner of his eye he spies a green dress, and black hair mostly covered by pink bunny ears, and okay, it’s just Louise Belcher. She isn’t as dressed up as Rudy; speaking of which, Rudy glances down and notices several new green streaks on his dress shirt. Wicked.

Rudy doesn’t know Louise that well, having only been allowed to go to public school this past year, and then having been out sick a number of days. But he _does_ know her well enough to know he likes her. Rudy likes most kids (especially since they gave him such an awesome nickname), but Louise is one of the few who always treats him like a regular classmate, like he isn’t weird or made of glass and uncooked noodles.

Rudy takes a minute to appreciate the small green blades tickling his bare arms, to marvel a little at the simple abundance of _grass_. Even before the divorce, his parents had lived in an apartment, no backyard or front yard or side yard to their name. Now there are two apartments, and Rudy is shuttled back and forth like a fragile package.

Impulsively, when he thinks Louise isn’t looking, Rudy rubs his face in the grass. He inhales the scent deeply. It’s definitely worth the hacking cough it produces.

“Did I crush your lungs too?” Louise asks from somewhere vaguely above him. Wheezing a little, Rudy moves to his side to stare up at the girl. Louise is looking down at him, her face fairly blank. He can’t see her teeth, but based on the whistling he bets her front two are still missing. Rudy also notices her hands absently brushing through the thick lawn. Apparently he isn’t alone in appreciating their surroundings.

Rudy shakes his head, rolling onto his knees. “No, I’m cool.” His mom had made him use his inhaler in the car before he left, so he should be fine.

“Mmm, debatable,” Louise replies, hooking an arm under his and pulling him back up to his feet.

“Have you been waiting to ambush someone since you got here?” Rudy walks over to pick up his smushed parcel.

Behind him, Louise bounces on the balls of her feet. “Yep!”

"But you could have been in the backyard playing with all the other kids." The idea makes sense to Rudy, but based on the way Louise scowls he guesses he was off base with that suggestion.

"All the other kids are lame!" Louise counters.  "They're playing stupid Pin the Tail on the Donkey and musical chairs. There's so many _rules_ , where's the fun in that?"

“Oh,” replies Rudy. He’s a little distracted by how itchy his arms and legs are growing, but he’s come this far. He isn’t going to let his body bail on him now. “I don't know, I don’t really go to that many parties.”

Louise's face lights up at that. "Oh man, did your mom make come be 'social' too?" She throws her arms out and spins in a tiny, frustrated circle. "It's summertime, I'm not supposed to have to see these people until school starts up again! _Ugh_ , it's bad enough I spend nine months in a smelly, crowded room with these idiots, now I have to see them _outside_ in the real world too?"

Rudy clutches his present to his chest, trying to keep up with her rambling. "Yeah, I guess." He isn’t actually sure which part of her question he’s answering, but he’s trying at least.

"I mean," Louise continues, "it would be one thing to make nice if there was a bounce house, or a helium tank like for balloon animals that we could steal hits from, but _there isn't!_ "  His smaller classmate grabs Rudy's face with both hands, forcing him to make eye contact. " _There is nothing, Rudy._ They give me _nothing_ to work with, and do you know what that means?"

Rudy is nothing if not a fast learner. "It means you have to dive bomb people until someone eventually pees their pants and you get sent home?"

She smiles, and yep, Rudy guessed correctly, her two front teeth are nowhere to be seen. “I like where your brain is at, Rude. What do you say I show you a good time?”

Louise puts one of her tiny, grassy hands in Rudy’s. He thinks for a moment, but not for very long. Trouble isn't really in his wheelhouse, and he doesn't want to ruin what's obviously a great day for Peter. On the other hand, Rudy has nothing to lose by alienating the other kids, and he definitely, _definitely_ wants to see Louise’s idea of fun. Shifting the present box so he can better hold on, Rudy lets Louise Belcher drag him into the house, deciding he can jump ship if things get too hairy for his liking.

It takes three hours, but Louise and Rudy both get sent home before any of the other party-goers, Tiny Peter's parents cowering in fear as the children's reign of terror finally ends. Peter seemed appreciative of the ruckus, at least; he definitely won the screaming contest and was still hurling the massive wrapping-paper-and-tape ball Louise made for him across the yard as Rudy was being escorted away.

Rudy's mom nearly has an aneurysm when she sees him, covered head to toe in chocolate cake and grass stains. He must have rolled into a patch of weeds at some point, too, because it takes the better part of a day to get the welts on his legs to go down. Before conking out in a Benadryl-induced coma, Rudy thinks it was definitely the most fun he's had ever. It's enough to last him the summer, he decides. (It's a good decision, too, considering the ban his parents quickly place on him attending parties until the next summer.)

 

_eight_

Rudy gets to the restaurant by following the Pesto twins from school. It’s an adventure, to say the least. Andy and Ollie are still hollering their goodbyes from across the street when Rudy first steps foot into Bob’s Burgers, the bell over the door jingling to signal his entrance.

“Hi, Mrs. Belcher,” Rudy says to Louise’s mom as he approaches the counter, climbing up onto the squeaky red stool.

“LINDA!” Mrs. Belcher spins around to face Rudy, beaming down at him. “Call me Linda, sweetie! Don’t make me feel so _old_. Mrs. Belcher is my mother… wait, no she isn’t.”

Rudy would like Bob’s Burgers even without the lure of Tina, Gene, and Louise, he thinks. There’s so much life packed into the small space, everything fit to burst with love and attention. Things there are worn and torn, have just been used so much; how could someone _not_ want to be surrounded by this sheer amount of affection?

“Are you… are you having fun there, Rudy?”

Rudy stops spinning on his stool for moment, coming face to face with Mr. Belcher across the counter this time. Louise’s dad has this pinched look on his face, kind of like Rudy’s mom when she’s about to tell him to knock something off, but Bob isn’t scolding him yet so Rudy bets he’s in the clear.

“Uh-huh,” Rudy replies with a nod, figuring if Bob isn’t going to talk, he should. “This place is great, Mr. Belcher.” He resumes spinning on the stool. “Everything is so alive and un-sanitized! It’s so…” Rudy stops to run his hands up and down the counter around him. “ _Greasy_.”

“Uhhhh, okay?” says Louise’s dad.

“Aww, of course he’s fine, Bobby,” Louise’s mom says, poking her husband in the shoulder. “Look at him, having the time of his life here.” She turns back to Rudy. “Can we get you anything to eat while you’re waiting, little man?”

Rudy leans down, almost slipping off his stool, to retrieve a sheet of paper from his backpack. “My mom wanted me to give you this,” Rudy says in response, handing Linda a neatly-lettered list of his known allergies. Rudy’s mom doesn’t know he’s at Bob’s Burgers, actually. She thinks he’s staying at school late to rehearse for next month’s orchestra concert. She’s pretty anal about letting certain restaurants know about his allergies ahead of time, though, so it isn’t a complete lie.

“Oh, aren’t you a gentleman?” Linda smiles at Rudy before glancing at his list. The smile slowly falls from her face. “Wait, sweetie, what _can_ you eat? How are you still alive?”

“Lin, don’t be ru—oh my God,” adds Bob, reading over her shoulder. “Is that… this one line just says ‘wheat.’ What, like all wheat products?”

“Yeah,” Rudy, gazing over Bob’s shoulder into the kitchen. He bets there’s even more fun stuff back there. “I mean, it just makes me really sick to my stomach. I wouldn’t die if I ate a hamburger bun or anything.”

Bob hums thoughtfully, glancing up at his Burger of the Day board then back down at the sheet. “Gluten-free, gluten-free... I can work with that, I think. ‘Gluten-Free to Be You and Me?’ Crap, I used that reference already.”

“Ooo, he’s gettin’ inspired!” Linda claps her hands together. “Quick, before she gets here let’s you ‘n me talk about Louise.”

“Okay. Uhhhh…” Rudy is honestly deciding where to begin this conversation when the bell above the door jingles again.

“HOLD THE PHONE,” crows Louise, rushing to the counter, Tina and Gene nowhere to be seen. She bounces up onto the seat next to Rudy until she’s face to face with her parents. “What is this? Are you _grilling_ Rudy? Are you pumping him for information, you weirdos?” She thrusts a tiny finger in Linda’s face. “You ought to be ashamed of yourselves! Two adults leaning on an impressionable child like this!”

“Oh!” Rudy pipes up, finally getting her attention. “It’s okay, Louise, I like your parents. We’re having fun.”

Louise groans, plopping down onto the stool. She spins to stare him square in the face. “They got to you. They sucked you in like quicksand, or those teen demon things Tina writes about sometimes.”

“Zombies?” says Bob.

“No, succu-somethings,” Louise replies.

“Hey, hey, watch your mouth young lady,” Linda chastises, flapping her order notepad at Louise.

“Ugh, Mom, stop,” Louise whines, pulling at her rabbit ears. “Don’t embarrass me in front of Rudy. You’re just as bad as Tina and Gene sometimes."

“Where _are_ Tina and Gene?” Bob asks.

“The important thing here,” continues Louise, turning once more to face Rudy, “is that you’re okay now. You're safe from their interrogation.” Grabbing both his hands, she pulls him off his seat and across the floor. “We’re going out back to play, don’t bother us, bye!”

“Bye, have fun sweetie!” Linda calls after them.

“Wait, seriously, where are Tina an— ” Bob asks before the closing door cuts him off.

“Rudy, walk with me, talk with me.” Rudy follows Louise as she bypasses the door he assumes leads up to their family’s apartment. “So scale of one to ten, how allergic to raccoons would you guess you are?”

“Umm, not very.” Most of his animal-related allergies thus have involved feathers, ducks and geese and the downy like. Besides, he’d rather learn by trial and error than hospital scratch-poke tests. Rudy can’t wait to see where this is going.

Louise nods to herself. “Good, good.” They turn into an alley, walking back to the dumpsters behind the restaurant. “Get ready to have your tiny mind blown.”

“What…” Rudy has the question on the tip of his tongue when he sees _them_. He stops in his tracks, Louise coming to a halt next to him. “Whoa.”

There before them is what must be a thousand raccoons (okay, maybe a hundred. Rudy isn’t actively counting them). A sea of black and gray surrounds the dumpster, some of them rolling around in the garbage inside, some of them wrestling on the ground.

“This is so cool,” Rudy marvels.

“Yeah, there used to be this raccoon shelter next door, but they went out of business and the raccoons just kind of stuck around.” Louise bends down to pick up an errant soda can by their feet. She chucks it at the raccoons on the ground, spooking several of them away.

“What?” Rudy jumps. “Louise! I thought we were out here to look at the raccoons.”

“We _are_.” Louise rolls her eyes. “That was to get rid of the weak ones who can’t hang.” She scans the crowd at their feet, then starts pointing. “That one’s Gizmo. Oscar. Hyacinth. Oscar Two. Strudel.” Her brow furrows. “I don’t see El Diablo.”

“How can you tell them all apart?” Rudy wonders.

“They all look different,” Louise states simply. “Doy.”

Rudy squints at the pack. Maybe it’s like a magic eye puzzle? He still isn’t really seeing it. “Huh.”

Louise saves him some trouble by pointing at the middle of the pack. There’s a particularly fattened raccoon lounging near the dumpster, letting the others squabble around it. “That one is Little King Trashmouth,” Louise proclaims. “Mom loves him. They drink wine together sometimes. He’s alright, I guess.”

There’s a very vague train of thought tracking through Rudy’s mind. Raccoons are animals. Animals have fur. Fur is fun for petting (if the dander doesn’t make your skin break out in boils, of course).

“Can we… can we pet him?” Rudy finds himself asking. As soon as the words are out there, Rudy is determined. It’s real now, a thought of his out in the open. He wants to pet this raccoon. He’s going to pet this raccoon.

Louise cocks her head to one side, thinking. “We’ve never tried,” she admits, “but he was in our house, so he must be domestic on some level. Did you want to...”

That’s all the encouragement Rudy needs. Slowly, he shuffles toward the cluster of raccoons, trying not to scare them. A couple scamper away, but the one he thinks is Little King Trashmouth stays put, his beady eyes pinned on Rudy.

"Ah, no way!" Louise crows behind him. Rudy looks over his shoulder and catches her watching him with shining eyes. "Don't stop now! You're almost there."

Kneeling down, Rudy reaches out and puts his hand on top of Little King Trashmouth’s head. His fur is pretty coarse compared to the other animals Rudy’s had contact with. He can almost see the grime rubbing off from the raccoon onto his skin. It’s _awesome_.

Trashmouth isn’t going anywhere, still seemingly content to let Rudy pet him. Rudy scritches behind the raccoon’s ears, watching as dirt gathers his fingernails. “Whoa.”

"I want in too!" Before he knows it, Louise is crowding Rudy's space, kneeling beside him and using both hands to rub the raccoon's belly. She's as cautious as she can be, Rudy knows, seeming to hold back at _little_ so as not to spook any more animals. It makes Rudy smile a touch. He moves to chucking Little King Trashmouth under the chin.

He’s so engrossed that Rudy doesn’t hear Louise’s warning, doesn’t hear the sound of another raccoon sneaking up behind them. He doesn’t notice until it’s too late and there’s what feels like a million tiny sharp teeth sinking into his leg.

Rudy goes down hard; Louise screams his name so loud his ears pop and the loitering raccoon pack flees in terror. (Gene and Tina tell them later Louise screamed so loud that people eating at Jimmy Pesto’s got spooked, which Rudy finds truly impressive.) There’s stinging, _lots of stinging_ , and itching, and a little blood and a minute of flailing on the gravel before Rudy finds himself right-side up. Once again, his own heartbeat is rattling in his ears and Bob Belcher is looming over him.

“Oh God,” Rudy moans. This is it, the last thing he’s going to see before dying. It was only a matter of time. Rudy squeezes his eyes shut. He feels that he’s being scooped up, Bob’s hairy arms around him, feels his feet dangling off the ground, and another small hand fervently gripping the one hand of his dangling free from Mr. Belcher’s embrace.

“Stay with us, Rudy!” Louise shrieks over her dad’s low protesting and her mom’s equally shrill fretting, her hand scratching at Rudy’s.

“All—“ Rudy is gripped by a sudden _pain_ spasm in his infected leg that has him kicking and shaking all over. He’s pretty sure from the deep “oof” near his right ear that he clobbered Louise’s dad in the process. “All righty,” he manages before promptly passing out.

He wakes up later in the hospital to his parents on one side of his bed and Louise's parents on the other side. Their arguing bridges the gap over him, so Rudy closes his eyes and pretends he isn't there.

Rudy wakes up for the second first time to Louise jumping onto his bed and shaking him.

" _RUDY_ , _you missed the best part_!" she declares once he's blinking up at her, relatively alert. "While Dad was at the hospital getting you checked in, Mom and Tina and Gene and I had to catch the raccoon that bit you so the lab can find out if it has rabies or not! It was _wild_."

"I bet," says Rudy, sitting up carefully. His left arm stings, and he can guess the answer to his next question, but he thinks he owes it to Louise to at least ask. “Did you catch it?”

Louise beams down at him. “Oh ho ho, you know I did, Rude!”

"So... did it have rabies?"

"Oh." Louise stops bouncing on his bed, flopping down to sit next to him. He swears even her bunny hat droops a bit. "Yeahhh. Sorry about that. I guess you have to get all the shots now, especially since your mom said your immune system isn't so great." It unnerves Rudy a bit, hearing talk like that. He figured Louise had probably already made peace with the fact that he would die on her someday soon.

"It's okay," Rudy says with a smile. "It wasn't your fault. And it wasn't Little King Trashmouth, right?"

That has Louise leaping to her feet again. " _Right!_ And long may he reign!"

"Yayyy," Rudy chimes in weakly, starting to feel drained again. He doesn't want Louise to leave, but he is silently grateful when a nurse who noticed the commotion sticks her head in the room to tell his guest to get down.

Rudy's parents ban him from Bob's Burgers for life after that excursion, but Rudy chalks future visits up to the technicality his parents aren't aware of, namely that the Belcher residence is above the restaurant, meaning he can simply say he was at a friend's house if he's gone too long. What's life without a little obstacle now and then, right?

Besides, the message doesn’t seem to get relayed with much clarity, or, if it did, Bob and Linda choose to ignore it. They treat Rudy exactly the same every other time he wanders their way in the future. 

 

 

_ten_

Rudy is a smart child, objectively speaking. He knows his limits; he knows better than any other kid his age because his limits are much lower than it’s starting to seem fair. He knows there’s a word for knowing but not caring, for plowing right ahead and doing what you want, regardless of the danger.

Rudy is reckless, he guesses. It didn’t take standing waist-deep in the Atlantic Ocean watching Louise Belcher do a dead man’s float to reach that conclusion, but now's as good a time as any to reflect on it. 

He’s getting better at saying no, Rudy thinks. He can put his foot down, can tell Louise which adventures he wants to participate in and which ones won’t be fun for him, and she listens. Louise respects him enough to not be offended; she knows one “no” doesn’t mean he wants to stop hanging out forever.

Normally Louise “twisting her ankle” in P.E. would have Rudy rolling his eyes on the sidelines, trying to keep a straight face as she hobbled out to the “nurse’s office.” He isn’t sure what it was about this time that was different, that had him volunteering to escort her. It’s novelty maybe, Rudy thinks. He often does _he_ get to be the escorter instead of the escorted?

P.E. is the last class both he and Louise have for the day, so it’s easy to sneak out of school. He doesn’t have to worry about missing anything important or being back for more classes.

They’ve wound up on the beach down by the pier, still in their gym clothes while their shoes and Rudy’s inhaler (plus pepper spray holster) hang out on a rock a few feet back from the tide line. Rudy hopes he’ll have dried off by the time he walks home, only smelling like a dead whale (…again. He still maintains it would have been nice if Louise had told him she was putting whale poop in his backpack last summer. It majorly gunked up his cymbals) instead of also looking like one.

Louise instructed Rudy to grab his stopwatch from his locker on the way out, and he finds himself using it now to time Louise to see how long she can hold her breath underwater. His lungs burn just spotting her.

“Rudy, look!” Louise rolls over, drifting on her back instead of face down now. “I’m being cast out to sea, just like Taff!”

Rudy frowns, confused. “I don’t think that’s how William Howard Taft died.”

“No, not Taft, Taff,” Louise corrects before catching Rudy’s blank look. “Oh that’s right, you didn’t know him. He was this bodyguard made out of taffy that I made friends with at Caffrey’s Taffy when we went to look for secret butt treasure.”

Rudy briefly remembers that stricken look Louise’s dad got when Rudy told him about Beanbag being his only friend on the weekends, of how he’s seen both Bob and Louise talking fondly to inanimate objects just like him before he laughs. “Wild. When was this and where was I?” Rudy marvels.

“I dunno,” Louise answers, spitting up a little seawater in the process, “a few summers ago. Me, Gene, Tina, and the Pestos went to find the treasure before they demolished the building, and Mom and Dad came too to get us out, I guess.”

Rudy raises an eyebrow. “ _Your parents_ went along with you? Whoa.”

Louise scrunches up her face and splashes him half-heartedly. “Ugh, my family is the worst, why are you so in love with them?”

Rudy graciously doesn’t point out the number of times Louise has expressed affection for her family in the past. Louise will just sometimes casually mention something she’d change about the restaurant when she owns it in the future, and Rudy will nod and listen and keep it to himself since he’s sure she doesn’t really want anyone else to know, but she mentions it like it’s fact, and he likes that. Loves it, maybe even.

He loves a lot about the Belchers, Rudy realizes. He loves that the kids include him and are nice. He’s never read it, but he loves what he’s heard about Tina’s friend fiction. He loves Gene’s music and zeal for songwriting despite never reading a real technical score. He loves Linda’s gusto and singing too, and that Bob clearly worries about Rudy but doesn’t stop him from living his life. He’s maybe slightly jealous of the freedom the Belcher kids have, the trust their parents have for them.

“So, question,” Rudy says instead.

“Answer,” says Louise, floating on her back. Rudy can see her pink bunny ears bobbing in the water, and he wonders how she manages to keep her hat on even now.

“Is there a reason we’re doing this?” Rudy isn’t trying to be mean; he genuinely wants to know. She had him bring the stopwatch, which usually heralds serious business.

Louise shrugs, the movement creating ripples out from around her shoulders. “I’unno. Why do you think we’re doing this?”

“Uhhh.” Rudy racks his brain for a likely story. “You’re practicing for when you rob Mr. Fischoeder and have to swim for Mexico?”

Louise thrashes in the water until she’s standing in the shallows face to face with Rudy. Her eyes are the brightest he’s seen all day. “ _No_ , but _YES_ , oh man, let’s do that instead!”

"I think we have to work up to that," Rudy demurs. "Like eating fire. Gotta do one match before you can do one branch."

"Since when do you know so much about fire?" Louise asks, flapping her arms in the water like she's doing a jumping jack.

"I like to play with the open range on the stove when my parents aren’t home," says Rudy. Louise's eyebrows shoot up her forehead, and he suddenly feels self-conscious. "Oh is that... is that not normal?"

"No, but that’s okay," says Louise. "I can respect that. Here's what we're doing. We're swimming to King's Head Island." **  
**

"In the middle of September?" says Rudy, as if that's the major flaw in her plan.

"It's practice for Halloween," Louise explains, "in case we miss the ferry. See Gene and I need a third now that Tina is 'too old' for trick-or-treating apparently. You like candy, right?"

Rudy shrugs. He doesn't eat much candy, and he's impressed as anyone about the full bars the Belcher kids told him existed last Halloween on the opposite side of this sea, but he isn't sure what he'd actually _do_ with such a stash. If they actually include him in the adventure, though, he supposes he could just give half to each friend here.

Louise sits up to look at him cautiously again. "Rudy, you _have_ been trick-or-treating before, right?"

Rudy shrugs again. "I must have been. Back when I was a baby or something and my parents took me." To be honest, Rudy had told his parents a few years back that he wasn't that into Halloween to save them the hassle of finding neighbors or parties that could accommodate his allergies. He kind of misses coming up with cool costumes, though.

"See, this is a problem," says Louise, splashing back-first into the water once more. "Gotta nip this in the bud. You start missing out on stuff in your childhood, you wind up like my dad, all sad and bald and worried about your kids not having fun at work."

"Huh." Rudy is kind of at a loss for what to say here. That's so... thoughtful? In a weird Louise way. Rudy isn't completely sure what's wrong with ending up like Mr. Belcher. He can be kind of a killjoy sometimes, but he has a pretty great life and he isn't a total wet blanket when it comes to his family's plans. **  
**

There's a weird, shrill chorus of "OooOOoo"s from the pier, and Rudy nearly drops his stopwatch in the water. Apparently they have an audience above. Craning his neck, Rudy spies several girls from the grade above them.

"Aw, Regular Rudy and Little Louise," some of the girls coo mockingly. Rudy is surprised the girls even know his name. He's also surprised their taunts are so juvenile. Some of them make exaggerated smooching noises before breaking into a rousing chorus of "Rudy and Louise, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g." They dissolve into a fit of giggles at their own teasing. 

“Hey!” Rudy barks back, his voice cracking halfway through the word. “Shut up!” Might as well stoop to their level of maturity.

“Woo!” shrieks Louise, paddling over to him. “I am _loving_ this attitude. Maybe work on a more original comeback next time though.”

“Yeah, I haven’t had time to stretch my creative muscles lately,” Rudy admits. Spoon Puppet Theater really falls by the wayside once you hit double digits.

He watches Louise go back to holding her breath underwater, probably diving for loose change or something only she can see now. Rudy glances at the stopwatch, starting it but not really bothering to track the time. Something has him feeling uneasy. He looks back up to the pier, to the retreating girl group, then back at Louise in the water.

Ten is a little young to be thinking about peer pressure, Rudy supposes, but better now than next year. His friend has never been the type to care what other girls think of her, but he doesn’t want to lose Louise to something stupid, something preventable. She listens to him when he talks to her now, but who knows what the future has in store?

“We aren’t going to wind up like that, are we?” Rudy asks the next time Louise resurfaces.

Louise rolls over onto her back, taking the opportunity to kick some water into his face. “What, you mean like needlessly mocking our peers for hanging out with their friends in weird places? Because if so, I have some bad news for you now, buddy.”

“I mean the ‘boy-girl friendship is gross’ thing,” Rudy clarifies.

Louise scoffs. “You underestimate us, Rudy.” **  
**

Rudy isn’t really sure what she means by that, but he thinks he likes it. He lets her go back to swimming, nodding like he’s satisfied with her answer.

He looks down at his wristwatch, any pretense of doing something productive with the stopwatch abandoned. “Hey Louise,” Rudy starts. He isn’t sure how well she can hear him, so he wades a little deeper, a little closer to her. “It’s getting kind of late, I think maybe we should head – “

Louise lunges up out of the water and grabs his shoulders, dunking Rudy into the ocean midsentence.

It would be really funny, Rudy thinks, if his mouth hadn’t been open, if his natural response to being deprived of oxygen wasn’t to work even harder at inhaling.

Rudy can’t breathe, and his whole chest is on fire. This isn’t like an asthma attack; it’s like a thousand fire ants _inside_ his lungs, not the slow cold crush from outside he’s used to. He needs to cough, but he can’t.

He tries not to panic, lets Louise drag him to the shore before he starts flopping around like a fish. There’s saltwater in his lungs, and there _needs to not be_ saltwater in his lungs, oh God, how does he make this stop?

“ _Here_.” Louise sounds breathless. Rudy is having trouble seeing her between the water droplets in his eyes and the sun lighting her from behind, but he can feel Louise poking the plastic mouthpiece of his albuterol inhaler against his face.

Shaking his head, Rudy tries to roll away, scrambling his brain for a way to let her know this is different.

“ _What?_ Rudy, _stop!_ ” Louise tries to pin his arms down, but Rudy manages to roll out of her grasp. She crawls after him, and they probably look like the world’s tamest yet lamest reenactment of “From Here to Eternity” as Louise tackles him, shoving the inhaler in his mouth as the waves crash around them.

Rudy shakes his head frantically, batting the inhaler away with one hand and pounding on his chest with the other hand.

“Rudy, _no!_ ” Louise actually sounds frustrated, not like she’s just being dramatic like she does sometimes. “Don’t give up on life yet, this isn’t the way to go!” She pinches his nose shut and moves to jab him in the mouth again.

Weakly, Rudy balls his left hand into a fist and hits himself in the chest to demonstrate. He’s starting to feel a bit light-headed, vision blurring even more than earlier. He tries to cough but there’s too much water, so more of a gurgle happens.

“Rudy, wha…” It seems to click midsentence because Louise is quickly crawling off him, rolling Rudy over onto his side. She whacks him on the back _hard_ until it works. It hurts, but it does the trick, Rudy’s body spluttering back into action.

It feels like he’s going to be coughing forever. Rudy spits up so much saltwater he wants to puke. He doesn’t, but it’s a near thing. He takes a second to just _breathe_ , to get the oxygen flowing back into his body. He still feels a little lightheaded, a different kind of ache settling in.

“Okay,” says Rudy, his coughing dry at last. He swallows, inhales a bit, then lets out a shaky breath. “ _Now_ I need my inhaler.”

Louise hands it over, waiting until Rudy has taken two evenly spaced-out puffs before she stands, wading back out into the ocean.

Rudy lies back on the beach and closes his eyes. It’s still too bright out. Everything _burns_ ; his skin must be sunburnt, too. Cool.

Something small and metal and _wet_ drops gently onto his stomach. Rudy doesn’t open his eyes until he hears Louise plopping down onto the sand beside him.

“I think your stopwatch is broken,” Louise says. Rudy opens his eyes, shading his vision with a hand over his brow, and yep, that’s what’s on him. She actually looks vaguely apologetic when he glances over at her. “Sorry.”

“That’s okay,” Rudy replies, voice crackly. At least his wristwatch is waterproof. “I can live without it.”

Louise startles, gaping at Rudy for a second before she bursts out laughing.

" _Live_ ," she says in between the hysterics. "More like... more like almost-live-dying."

"It is the bedrock of our relationship," Rudy says sagely before cracking up as well.

Louise lies back next to him, their laughter petering out. They watch the sun slowly edge closer and closer toward the horizon together in companionable silence. At one point, Louise sits back up to remove and wring out her hat. Rudy averts his eyes; it wouldn’t seem right, he thinks, would make whatever magic or post-adrenaline high he’s feeling right now disappear. Louise without that hat just seems weird.

It’s still relatively light out when they leave, Rudy returning home to a lecture for skipping school, for ruining his stopwatch, and for his fishy gym clothes. He figures he’s better off neglecting to mention almost drowning, though the slightest cough has both his parents on edge for the next few weeks.

Rudy stares out his bedroom window that night, wondering what life is like across town. He wonders if Louise is dramatically reenacting their afternoon for her family, wonders what Gene and Tina were doing for fun in their sister’s absence. He wonders what Bob’s Burger of the Day Pun was, and what kind of song Linda sang about it while she bussed the tables.

He offers Louise his assistance again the next afternoon. “I can use my wristwatch,” Rudy reasons, “maybe not as accurate, but it took a licking and kept on ticking.”

If Louise is surprised, she doesn’t show it. “Mmm, that’s okay. I have to work at the restaurant today.”

“Oh.”

“I mean, you can come visit, obviously,” Louise adds, removing her backpack solely to hit him with before re-shouldering the bag.

“Good,” replies Rudy. He should probably take a day off from overexcitement, much as he doesn’t want to admit it. Just so his parents don’t worry any more. “You aren’t getting rid of me that easily.”

__  
_ _

_thirteen_

“It’s true what they say, Rude,” Louise says, coasting down the hill, ratty pink bunny ears flapping in the breeze. “Stealing is just like riding a bike.”

Rudy tries to backpedal before remembering this model doesn’t work that way. Frantically, he pumps the handbrakes, lurching forward over the crossbar. “I don’t think I’m familiar with that exact version of the quote,” he replies, sounding more out of breath than he feels.

As fledgling a teenager as Rudy was, he had (much to everyone’s detriment) started developing a bit of that bad attitude everyone always suspected of him. It began last summer, when his mother decided summer school was the best option. She wanted _someone_ to keep an eye on Rudy while she was at work, since he clearly couldn’t be trusted out on the town alone. She worried, of course, and no one else seemed to care about his predicament enough to stop her. Rudy had been too slow to find a part-time job or volunteer work of his own, and so he hadn’t argued, had spent two extra months in a smelly, crowded room with the usual idiots (Louise’s words, not his).

It wasn’t all bad. Mr. Frond was in charge, but he typically got so wrapped up in his own drama he wouldn’t notice Rudy drifting to sleep instead of doing his work, would barely notice Rudy sneaking off with the excuse of needing to use the bathroom or forgetting his inhaler in his locker.

If Rudy was really lucky, the Belcher kids would stop by and ‘kidnap’ him. Sometimes all three of them showed, and sometimes it was just Louise and Gene, but whoever was loitering by the front door when Rudy happened to pass by at their designated time was more than happy to sneak him out.

Some days, though, he had to make his own fun. He could either skulk around the school, avoiding whichever administrators were milling around, or he could break out on his own. Rudy had even gone as far to fake an asthma attack on one occasion; he felt incredibly bad about it afterward, but he had been bored to tears and Frond, for all his frantic concern, was so sure Rudy would return right after going to the nurse’s office he hadn’t insisted on accompanying the boy.

The experience was eye-opening, Rudy thought. If his mom and dad and every other mother and brother was going to suspect him of raising hell and punish him ahead of time, why _shouldn’t_ he get in trouble? He was going to do the time whether or not he did the crime.

He was maybe even starting to resent his parents, which made him feel guilty and a little sick. He never lashed out at them and tried not to act out around them (not after he heard them finally speaking civilly on the phone about Rudy’s potential bar mitzvah), but still.

Rudy is unclear on where exactly he’s supposed to be right now, who is expecting him home for supper tonight. He just needed a break, though, needed some kind of rush to take his mind off things for one evening. When Louise approached him after school about helping her ‘move’ some ‘property,’ Rudy seized the opportunity.

They've gone back and forth from the park like a million times, Rudy stopping to use his inhaler at regular intervals, but they've finally managed to steal all but two of the gang's bikes, stowing them under the pier. They lucked out, their fellow middle schoolers having been distracted enough by a group of cute girls to turn their backs on their priceless vehicles. Serves them right, Rudy thinks, remembering how Tommy Titoni and the other Natterer Bat bullies had played Keep Away with Rudy's inhaler on the first day of school this year.

Louise cackles, the wind whipping up the ends of her dark hair in a way Rudy will never, ever, _ever_ say reminds him of her mom. "This is the best. Thing. Ever," she crows over her shoulder, and Rudy smiles in response. "We're gonna do it, Rude. We're gonna move eight bikes in one afternoon, which is _three_ more than Logan and his stupid friends hid from the bike gang at their school six years ago." She punches the air. "In his _stupid_ face!"

Rudy’s face scrunches up against his will (okay, maybe a little with his will). “We’re doing this to impress Logan? He’s like 20.” Rudy doesn’t actually know Logan, but he’s heard stories. The boy is, to borrow a phrase, made of money but straight out the trash. He can’t be that cool if he still skateboards everywhere when he visits town, especially since he probably has his own car. Rudy's also maybe a little bummed this isn't about only about burning people who victimized him. Like, that was definitely his motivation for this, but leave it to Louise to have an ulterior motive for everything.

“ _Impress?”_ Louise screeches to a halt, whirling around to gape at Rudy. Rudy narrowly avoids smashing into her with his wheels. “ _Logan_? I hate his ever-loving _guts_ , we’re doing this out of pure, uncomplicated spite!”

Rudy doesn’t know that he believes it. He knows a lot about Louise Belcher at this point in their relationship. He knows she’s more of a pigtail puller than a talker, more likely to act out to get someone’s attention to tell them how she really feels. Maybe she doesn’t know that’s what this means yet. It could be endearing; it rubs Rudy the wrong way this time, though. Logan’s kind of gross, and Louise can do better if she’s going to start dating.

"Louise, you have to be honest with me." Rudy sounds stronger than he feels. "Are we doing this to stick it to Logan, or what?"

Louise scoffs and avoids his gaze. She picks at her dirty fingernails, but she doesn't actually answer. "I don't know. Can we just go? We're going to miss low tide if you don't stop squawking."

"I'm not... I'm not going to stop doing stuff with you just because you like a boy, if that's what you're worried about," Rudy states. "That's not why we're friends. I won't stop being your friend."

"Yeah, well," Louise spits back, "I don't like him, so just shut up." She mounts the bike as she whips around and pedals away without him.

Very much like the dearly departed Beanbag (and very much unlike Louise) Rudy genuinely likes everyone. He adores people, even when they don’t enjoy him back, and he would never tease anyone on purpose, especially not Louise. He isn't trying to embarrass her, he just wants to know. If they get caught and get taken down, Rudy wants to know the real reason he's hanging in the hoosegow. He maybe also wants to know more about this Logan and what makes him so special to someone as prickly as his friend.

He catches up to Louise at the entrance to Wonder Wharf.

“I don’t believe you,” Rudy huffs. It's a dumb move, but if he wants Louise to be honest with him, he has to be honest with her, too.

Louise's scowl stops him in his tracks. "Can we just _drop it_ please?" she snaps.

Rudy slams on the brakes. _Please_? From _Louise Belcher?_ Oh, he fucked up. He fucked up good.

Neither of them speaks again until they're finished stashing the last of the bikes under the pier. They take a minute to admire their handiwork, standing hip to hip to watch the rising water begin to reach the bicycles, half of them chained to the wood pillars, half of them more or less buried. Between the saltwater and sand, those things should get nice and ruined.

"This is great," says Louise. "Just you and me, walkin' on the beach, messing with the lives of douchebags." She bumps him with her hip, hands stowed casually in the front pouch of her hoodie. "How come we never hang anymore?"

Rudy shrugs. Something hot is prickling under his skin, something unlike any itch he's ever felt before. He doesn't know. They really don't see each other as often as Rudy would like, he thinks. They have different lunch periods due to him being in band, and so far they haven't had many classes together this year. Sometimes they meet up at the others' lockers, but they've both just been so busy.

Or, well, Rudy has been busy, he guesses. He doesn't know what Louise is doing - _how_ Louise is doing - with both Tina and Gene at the high school now. He knows the Pesto twins still adore her. He knows she and Jessica get together outside of school. Both girls claim their meetings are super secret and that telling him about what they discuss would have to result in his death. Rudy knows better than to be scared of death; he also knows, based on an errant boy band CD he saw stashed under Louise's bedroom cabinet once, that they basically talk about normal teen girl stuff and are too afraid to admit it.

Louise kicks him. Rudy assumes it's his sign that he's been silent for too long. "Ow. I don't know. Growing up is rough."

"You said it," Louise agrees, nodding. They continue staring straight ahead, hands in their respective pockets. "So... question."

"Shoot," Rudy says. He looks to his left to see Louise gazing at him curiously ('curiously' in that she looks intrigued, but also that she looks at him a way Rudy isn't sure he's ever seen her look at anyone before).

"Where did you learn to pick bike locks like that?" She sounds impressed, bouncing a little on the balls of her feet.

"Oh," says Rudy, smiling down at his tennis shoes.

"I mean, I knew _I_ could do that kind of stuff, and that you could do it too if you put your mind to it," Louise continues. "I just always thought I would have to teach you, or that you would be too goody-goody to want to learn."

"Jessica taught me," says Rudy, despite the sense of warning bells going off in the back of his head. "She mentioned it at lunch last month, and I said I thought it sounded cool, so we snuck out before the end of the hour and she talked me through it."

Louise's expression immediately darkens. Rudy thought her and Jessica were BFFs, but instead he seems to have hit a nerve. Sure, they fight and needle each other a lot, but they aren't usually actual, major fights. Arguing is like the basis of their relationship. Rudy hopes he hasn't stuck his foot in it. He can usually keep track of their spats, but maybe he missed one side of one story.

"Jessica," Louise says. Rudy can see her hands balling up inside the front of her sweatshirt.

"Why?" Rudy says, unwilling to backtrack. "What's wrong? I thought you guys were friends."

"We _are_ , it's not..." Louise growls, hands darting up to pull at her bunny ears. "And you and Jessica are _friends_ too, apparently?"

"Well, yeah," Rudy agrees, not really following this conversation. "We kind of have a lot in common, actually, if you hadn't noticed." Even Rudy winces at his words that time. "I mean, of course you noticed, the three of us have spent time together, right, just not lately?" That's what this is about, right? Them needing to spend more time together? "We should all go to the restaurant together sometime, you and me and Jessica."

"Whatever, it’s _fine_ ," Louise snarls, grabbing one of the unchained bikes by the handles. "I hope you two are _happy_ together!"  With that, she shoves the bike squarely into his chest and sprints away, back out onto the beach and the waning light of day.

" _Louise_!" Rudy shrieks, struggling to break free from the metal frame. It isn't heavy, but she caught him by surprise, unprepared to defend himself from even the lightest of aluminum alloys. It takes a good thirty seconds before Rudy can kick the bike to the ground. It bounces in the sand at his feet.

Even if he could catch up to her, Rudy thinks better of it. He doesn't run after Louise, instead turning to watch the lapping waves draw nearer. He thinks he's ruffled enough feathers for one day, even if he isn't sure what feathers those were.

Clearly, he did something to upset Louise, Rudy thinks. Mentioning Jessica, hanging out with Jessica... he thought Louise would be happy for him, would like that her friends all like each other even when she isn't around to coerce them into hanging out together, but that was definitely what set Louise off.

Is it… is it jealousy, maybe? That would be stupid, Rudy thinks. Jessica is cool, but Rudy barely sees her outside of school, and he doesn’t _like_ like her like that. What does Louise know about their relationship?

 _And that’s different from you disliking Logan how?_ A small voice in the back of Rudy’s head chides.

It just is, Rudy decides, ambling out from under the pier in a worse mood than before. Why would Louise want to impress Logan? Logan is old, has been picking on Louise since he was in high school, if Rudy remembers right, so for like four years. He’s rich, and a troublemaker, and… and what does he actually _know_ about Logan that isn’t based on his own opinions? What does he know about Logan and Louise?

“Freeze, dirtbag!”

“Hands where we can see them!” The beam of a flashlight a foot from his face temporarily blinds him.

“Ow,” Rudy mutters, putting his hands in the air regardless. “It’s not even that dark out yet.”

“Oh, sorry,” says the second woman’s voice before the light goes off. Blinking to adjust his vision, Rudy can now see Officers Cliffany and Julia cornering him. They relax in the slightest, seeming to realize Rudy is basically just a kid, before resuming Interrogation Mode.

"What's your name, suspect?" Julia asks, hand hovering over the holster on her hip.

"Regular Sized Rudy," Rudy replies on instinct. He immediately wants to kick himself.

Officer Julia frowns. "Don't get cute with us."

"I'm not, sorry," Rudy winces. "Sorry." He hasn't lowered his hands yet, just for good measure.

"Alright, _Rudy_ ," Officer Cliffany says slowly, "did you know that we got a call earlier tonight about some missing bikes that were last seen in this area?"

"No, that's not really something I'd have any way of knowing about," Rudy points out.

Julia squints at him. "You been down under the pier all night?"

"Yea- nooooo," Rudy decides, shaking his head to emphasize his point. It's so hard not to glance over his shoulder back at where he came from. They _must_ have seen him come out of there. "No, I'm walking all along the beach, just doing some thinking, getting some... night air on the beach." He inhales deeply to further illustrate his story and winds up wheezing. Damn.

Both the policewomen's looks have gone sharp. "What do you think we're going to find when we go under that pier, Rudy?" Cliffany asks.

"The missing bikes-- crap I should have stopped talking," Rudy answers. Curse them for asking so many questions. Cliffany and Julia take a step toward him, and Rudy jumps, hands still in the air. "Please don't tackle me, I'll come with you back to the station."

They soften a bit at that. Julia nabs Rudy, forcibly lowering his arms (which Rudy doesn't mind since they were starting to get pin-and-needle-y) before marching to the parking lot with the boy in tow. Cliffany moves past them toward the pier, presumably to scope out the stashed bikes.

"You know," says Julia somewhere in her spiel as they walk back to the squad car, "it's within your rights as a minor to request an adult be present before you talk to us."

"Oh good," says Rudy.

Julia nods and smiles. "Ought to give you plenty of time to think in the pen."

"Plenty of time to think" is maybe the worst punishment of all, Rudy thinks as he paces the empty cell downtown. **  
**

Why _would_ Louise want to impress Logan? Maybe he’s cute? Rudy would be the first person to admit he himself is still regular in the looks department. He worries about growing into his face, his nose and ears still a little too big for his liking. After trying to grow out his hair, he had to re-shave his head after being caught in an Andy-Ollie gum-spitting contest (Rudy thinks they had been aiming for _each others’_ mouths and he still really, really doesn’t want to think much more about it). He didn’t have a huge growth spurt yet, but he’s still taller than Pocket-Sized Rudy, which is oddly validating, and his vision hasn’t failed him yet.

Maybe it’s a familiarity thing. Maybe she likes that they don’t spend every day together, that he doesn’t go along with almost everything she wants to do. Louise herself once balked at working with Rudy due to his earnestness, his unwillingness to even think about double-crossing her.

Maybe Logan is that special kind of blend where he’s different from Louise but they have enough similarities to keep from tearing each other apart completely. Rudy knows about chemistry (both literal and metaphorical), about fundamentals of a good relationship for people like his friends. They gotta have banter, gotta have dialogue and good tension.

Maybe worst of all, Rudy wonders if Logan is just plain _normal_. Against a lifetime of secret hopes and prayers and wishes, it looks like Rudy’s asthma isn’t going anywhere as he gets older. Louise clearly still likes Rudy, warts and all, but maybe that isn’t what she wants forever. Maybe she wants a guy who can eat chocolate or pet animals without getting a rash. Maybe she doesn’t want to take care of him all the time.

Rudy rubs at his eyes, trying to keep them from watering. This is stupid. This isn’t productive. True, he’s gonna have to wait it out here until one of his parents realizes he’s in juvie jail, but there are better ways he can pass the time.

Besides, Rudy knows one thing for certain about Logan. There’s no way that kid can care about Louise as much as Rudy… does…

He frowns, sliding down against the metal bars of his cell. “Oh fuuuuuudge.”

Officer Julia looks up from her paperwork. “Are you doing OK in there, buddy?”

“I’m fine,” Rudy intones, not bothering to get up off the floor. “Thank you for asking.” He lies there motionless until she resumes ignoring him.

So apparently Rudy has a slight crush on Louise. In his mind, who wouldn’t be a least a little in love with her? She can be kind of bossy, and more than a little insensitive, but that works. Rudy likes people with some backbone, some kind of clear-cut drive. It’s admirable. She’s not _terribly_ callous, either. She can recognize when she’s gone too far and apologize accordingly. As much as Louise acts like she doesn’t care, she does, and Rudy can deal with that, too. He thinks he knows her well enough by now to have a read on when she’s bluffing about something.

But what if he’s wrong about _this_? Maybe Louise really is just upset about being excluded. Rudy knows he would be, especially with someone he’s been friends with for so long. Maybe Rudy’s jealousy and Louise’s jealousy aren’t as similar as he thought.

He could be right, but he could be wrong. Oh so _very_ wrong. He isn’t sure he could handle it if he and Louise discussed it and he wound up being wrong.

Rudy still isn't sure what the deal is exactly by the time his mom comes to bail him out. There's too many emotions for him to sort out yet, and making maybe the smartest decision of any teenage boy ever, he decides to sit on his feeling until he's more confident of them (more confident of _himself_ ).

Rudy gets off with a slap on the wrist, it being his first offense and all, and mercifully none of the parents feel like pressing charges, but Cliffany and Julia swear they’ll be keeping an eye on him. Rudy nods and keeps silent, balling his hands into fists inside his hoodie pocket.

Since he failed to credit the incident's instigator, the stunt gives Rudy and Rudy alone legend status at Wagstaff Middle School. Everyone who was still treating him with kid gloves finally stops, but it's a hollow victory since Louise doesn't talk to him for a week. (Rudy thinks he knows why, but he's never one-hundred-percent sure.)

__  
_ _

_fifteen_

It’s kismet that Louise and Rudy wind up in the same Driver’s Ed. class. It’s equally lucky that there’s too many students enrolled at once and that they get to pick partners for their driving lessons.

Truly, the gods are smiling down on them, Rudy thinks, as Louise threatens to zap him with one of the exposed wires in the steering column if he doesn’t work faster.

“Not that I don’t like a good challenge,” Rudy says once the car shudders to life around them, “but next time let’s just steal the keys from Mr. Olsen.”

“Aw, don’t go getting soft me, Rude,” Louise whines, propping her feet up on the dashboard. Rudy can see from the corner of his eye that she’s smiling, though. “Also, ‘next time?’ Yes, love it already.”

Rudy’s chest tightens in a way has nothing to do with his respiratory problems. He hopes the stupid grin he feels in his heart hasn’t stretched too far across his face. He's managed to keep his stupid crush to himself for two years now, he isn't going to let this ruin him, let it ruin their adventuring. He doesn't want to jeopardize spending time with his best friend, because that's what she is. Even without the dumb 'romantical' feelings, Rudy would be here in the driver's seat, pulling out of the high school parking lot as Louise clicks the 'Start' button on his stopwatch.

The 'love it' is a definite perk, though.

"So our first stop - "

"Provided we get that far," Rudy interjects, hitting the brake a bit more forcefully than intended. They lurch forward a bit, seatbelt cutting into his chest, but they're good.

" - is the nearest convenience store," Louise continues, laying a sheet of paper on the glove compartment door to write on.

"You got the starting time, right?" Rudy asks. Louise taps the upper left corner of the page with the butt of her pen, not looking up from the list she's making. Rudy nods.

There's several methods to the current madness. Firstly, Louise and Rudy are timing the trip to see how long they can be gone from the school with official school property (even if it is just Instructor Olsen's personal car with some "STUDENT DRIVER" magnets slapped on the sides) before people notice. They intend to turn it in as a science project (Rudy's idea) and as a sick burn on the administration (Louise's idea). They're also attempting to excuse it as extra time practicing their newfound driving knowledge, and what better, safer vehicle to use than the school-sanctioned model?

Rudy’s reasons aren’t entirely altruistic, either. He needs to save face, literally. Peter Pescadero was the mascot at last Thursday’s football game and accidentally on purpose nailed Rudy in the face with a plastic football freebie. Rudy isn’t hurt, but he’d like people to stop asking about his wonky nose when they see him in the hallway, give his peers something else to talk about for a while.

Louise also has some personal reasons for the trip, apparently. "Is that... is that 'lighter fluid' at the top of your shopping list?" Rudy asks, peeking over her arm when they're stopped at a red light.

His friend curls in on the paper and shoots him a dirty look. "Don't look, it's a surprise."

The driver behind them honks, which startles Rudy back into watching the road. "Goody."

Buy the Way is in sight when Louise changes her mind. "Wait, wait wait," she exclaims, shooting Rudy a gleeful look. "Do you know how to get to Bob's Burgers from here? I want you to drive by and I'll lean out the window and freak out my parents."

Rudy pulls over, parking at the end of the block to avoid having to parallel park anywhere. He does know how to get there, actually, but he isn't going to do that. Not yet anyway. "Hold on," he says instead. "Inhaler break."

"Fine." Louise slumps in her seat, hot-pink-streaked hair fanning up behind her. She watches him take one puff, then another, unfazed as ever before pouncing back to life. "So, word on the street it is you of all people have a 'mystery lady' lined up to go to the dance tonight."

Rudy chokes. " _What_."

"Yep," says Louise, popping the 'p.' "I'm inclined to believe it, even though you never told _me_ of all people about her - don't think I'm not _devastated_ by that by the way." She puts a hand to her forehead and pretends to swoon over the center console. "BUT." She promptly rights herself. "I heard it from Jessica, and why would _she_ lie about it, right? We both know how _boring_ she can be when it comes to gossip."

"Um, right." It's hot in here, Rudy decides. It's definitely toastier than before. He busies himself with rolling his window down a crack.

"We'll get to why you didn't tell me later," Louise declares. "First I need a name. Is it Jean? Abbie? Harley? I mean, you're a good listener but even _you_ must get sick of her every now and then."

Rudy rolls the window back up just to be doing something. He has an excellent comeback, fortunately, once he stops spluttering. "She wouldn't go with me," he responds. "Just like _you_ wouldn't go with Quarterback Quentin when he asked you two weeks ago."

" _What?_ " Louise whacks the center console with her elbow while turning to glare at him. " _Ow._ Who snitched, Gene or Tina?"

"Tinnnnneither," says Rudy. Smooth.

"Uuuuuugghhh." Louise bangs her head on the dashboard dramatically. "He's been asking me out all semester, and I keep having to dodge him and his weird friends. Why are boys so weird, Rudy?"

"We're sorry?" Rudy replies. "It's not that weird, though. Who wouldn't think you're cool and want to spend time with you?"

Louise scowls at him. "Cool? You think I'm _cool_? Oh, barf."

"I said 'cool,' not 'popular,'" Rudy argues, draping his left arm over the steering wheel so he can turn to face her. "There's a huge difference, attitude-wise. Popular people care about how they're perceived more than - "

" _Stop_ ," says Louise, "what are you, John Hughes?"

"Maybe," Rudy replies, lifting an eyebrow. "Maybe I wasn't joking around when we played with the Ouija board last summer." He lowers his voice, adding some of the gravel his asthma gives him to his tone. " _This flesh vessel sustains me, but not my thirst for blood."_

The color leaves Louise's face. "Oh no."

Rudy frowns. "What? Louise, I was joking." He wasn't even that good, he thinks.

Louise is looking through him, out the driver's side window over Rudy's shoulder. "No, not you it's - "

"BELCHERS!" Rudy whips around to see an ancient woman pointing angrily at them across the street. She's wearing a blue tracksuit and a severe bun; Rudy thinks he's seen her at Arts in the Parks some weekends, but he's also been too scared to go to her booth.

" _Louise Belcher_ ," the lady hisses, and crap, why can Rudy hear her through the glass? Is she just that loud? "I'd recognize that _hair_ anywhere, young lady. Why aren't you in school, you hooligan?"

"Drive _drive DRIVE_ ," Louise shrieks right in Rudy's right ear, and he panics. Rudy stomps on the accelerator and drives straight into the car parked ahead of them.

***** **  
**

“75 minutes to capture, not bad,” says Louise, marking their drive time in detention that afternoon. She nods approvingly. “Not bad.”

“I want you all to use this time wisely,” their advisor, Mr. Polaschek, drones from the front of the room. He’s standing in front of the chalkboard looking like he's about to fall asleep.  “While you’re in here, I want you all to think on what constitutes a sufficient punishment for your actions today that landed you in detention.”

“Been there, done that,” Rudy mutters.

“BAN US FROM THE DANCE!” Rudy does a double take and notices Louise is now standing on her desk chair, hands planted on the table before her as she shouts up at their supervisor.

“No,” says Mr. Polaschek flatly.

“Ban us from all future dances too!”

“Ms. Belcher, please sit back down.” Louise sticks her tongue out at the teacher before she does.

“I want you all to think on what constitutes a sufficient punishment in _silence_ , if that wasn’t clear before,” Mr. Polaschek says. The rest of the students nod and go back to doing their homework or drawing or at least pretending to look busy.

Rudy is staring down at his notebook, pretending to be productive, when Louise taps him softly on the shoulder. He looks up but doesn’t ask what she wants.

Louise fidgets in her seat before seeming to pluck up the nerve to look at him. That’s a first.

“Sorry I got carried away just now.” Huh. That’s a first, too.

Rudy raises an eyebrow. “Um, I thought borrowing the car was a mutual decision. We’re obviously in this together.”

“No, not that,” Louise says with a wave of her hand. “With asking to get us banned from the dance, even though it didn’t work. I know you still kind of want to go, and I didn’t think about what you wanted. I bet this is definitely cutting into wooing your Mystery Date time too, though.”

“Oh,” says Rudy, suddenly feeling a little queasy. “That’s okay. She… she was never going to go with me anyway.”

Louise scowls. “Don’t say that.”

“No, it wasn’t just me,” Rudy objects. Self-pity isn’t his style. “She was doing something else non-dance-related tonight.”

“ _What_?” Louise slams a fist on her desk and is promptly shushed by Mr. Polaschek and several other students. “What,” she tries again, quieter, “is so important that she threw your poor, fragile heart under the bus for it?”

“Ummm, work?” Rudy is really, _really_ hoping she doesn’t connect those dots.

“Okay, well where does she work?” Louise enquires. “Let’s plan.” She actually pulls out the same sheet of paper and pen from earlier this afternoon. Color Rudy shocked. “We’re gonna go there tonight and ambush her. Or wait, well, _you_ are, I have to go home to the restaurant so I can… work…” Her face goes slack. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” Rudy thinks death would be kinder. It’s like he’s watching the wine train crash off a cliff, like time is _excruciatingly slow_.

Louise is shaking her head, going mad from the revelation. “Oh no.”

“Yeah.” Rudy has come this far; might as well crash and burn as a whole.

“Rudy, I’m so —“

“It’s fine.”

“No, it’s _not_ , but—“

“ _No_ , it’s fine!” Much as he wants to hear Louise’s side, Rudy deserves the final say in this. Plus, this gives him a second to breathe, a second to settle the dust before she rejects him. “You deserve to be with a guy who doesn’t get short of breath just thinking about making out with you.”

"Don’t tell me what kind of person I deserve!" Louise shoots back before actually realizing the meaning of his words. "Wait, you think about _kissing me_?

" _No_." Rudy can feel the tips of his big ears burning. "I mean, sometimes, kind of, a little bit. Sorry."

" _Damn it, Rudy!"_

 _"Language,_ Ms. Belcher, _"_ Mr. Polaschek advises.

" _NOBODY ASKED YOU, BRIAN!"_ Louise blares, her gaze never leaving Rudy's. He tries not to sink any further into his seat.

"I'm not... I'm not going to stop doing stuff with you.” Rudy doesn’t try to backtrack, but he does try to let Louise off the hook. They’ve always been equals; it wouldn’t be fair to pressure her into this now that she knows. “It’s always been about being your friend. I want to be your friend, even if we never do the romance thing. You can say no, and I’ll still like you…”

He really should have been paying more attention to Louise’s expression, Rudy thinks, but by then it’s already too late. Louise is lunging across the aisle, hands fisting into the front of his shirt, and oh God this is it, the last thing he’s going to see before dying.

Rudy is somehow even more surprised when Louise crashes into him face first, their lips locking.

Everyone else around them in detention groans in disgust.

Rudy flounders for a second, half in and half out of his seat, before grabbing onto Louise’s elbows for balance. For as much as it’s knocked him a loop, and for as spontaneous as it must have been for Louise, it isn’t bad. It isn’t too much of anything, too wet or dry, and it isn’t awkward. At this rate, Rudy doesn’t even care about coming up for air.

“Belcher, Steiblitz,” Mr. Polaschek barks, finally sounding properly frustrated with them. “Back in your seats!”

Louise disentangles herself from him, surprising Rudy again by actually listening to their advisor. Or, well, as surprised as he can be. That kiss kind of blew the top off his surprise-o-meter for the time being.

“Wow, so… okay,” says Rudy once he’s back in his seat.

“Good ‘wow, okay’ or bad ‘wow, okay’?” Louise suddenly doesn’t sound as sure of herself, and Rudy mentally kicks himself.

“Good ‘wow, okay,” he clarifies.

“Really?”

“Oh yeah. Yeah, definitely.”

Louise eyes him warily. “Did you still… were you still thinking about going to the dance tonight? And asking this ‘mystery lady’ to the dance, too?”

Rudy thinks about it. He might ask her, and Louise might say yes for his sake, but that isn’t really what he wants, Rudy realizes, not now that she knows how he actually feels.

He shakes his head. “Can we go to the restaurant instead? I think I’ve used up enough energy for one day.”

Louise scoffs, her look laced with both affection and disbelief. “Are you _seriously_ asking me on a date to the place my parents own and which I’ve worked at like every day of my life since I was born?"

“No,” Rudy replies. “I just really want a burger while we talk about this.”

“Oh.” Louise’s face falls. It’s quickly replaced with a sly smirk, however, along with a knowing tilt of her head. “Oh, _I_ see how it is. You only want me for the free food.”

Rudy shrugs and smiles back. “I mean, I was going to pay, but since you offered…”

 

_seventeen_

"Louise and Rudy, sitting in a tree," Rudy mutters under his breath, kicking his heels against the junky metal trunk.

 Louise kicks him in the shin. “Shush, you’re ruining my concentration.”

“Take it easy,” Rudy cautions, following her line of sight down to the children clustered around one over-enthusiastic tour guide and one half-asleep chaperone.

“Oh,” Louise replies, pitching her voice to sound low and oafish, “I forgot for a second that I was with Mr. It’s Not Fun If Someone Else Gets Hurt.”

She heeds his advice, though. Taking aim, Louise hefts one of the hollow bacuri fruits and tosses it at just the right angle and speed to bounce off the tour guide’s head then conk the chaperone as well. A smattering of children’s laughter reaches Rudy’s ears almost immediately.

Just as quickly, Louise and Rudy both draw their legs up onto the branch. Rudy nearly falls off backwards, his legs now too long to bend comfortably _and_ leave room for his butt, but Louise puts one freakishly strong arm behind his back to counterbalance him. It must work because there’s no shouting of names or accusations or specific “hey look!”s, no one pointing out their perch.

“Nice one,” Rudy whispers, and Louise grins in response. He waits until he’s sure the group has moved on to the next room, until he’s sure no one else is coming to look for them just yet and they can have a conversation without interruption, before broaching the subject.

“So, question,” Rudy starts.

Louise yanks a leaf off the branch above them and sets to shredding it up. “Shoot.”

“Why didn’t you tell me we were banned from the natural history museum until we were already inside the building?”

Louise looks at him and shrugs. “I like surprises?”

“Mmm, try again,” Rudy prompts, deciding not to let it slide this time.

Louise groans. “Don’t make me say it, Steiblitz.”

“Say what?” Rudy honestly has no idea what Louise is so hesitant to tell him. He could guess, but he really is at sea for the time being. It must show on his face because Louise deflates, just a little.

“I thought… ugh!” Louise reaches up before seeming to remember her ears aren’t there. She clenches and unclenches her fists before crossing her arms. “I just thought it was sweet,” she says through gritted teeth. “I like it when you plan stuff, because it’s always so thoughtful and it means a lot to me and, like, our couple-ness. I like being in charge, but it’s always interesting too when you take initiative.” She sticks her tongue out at him. “There, are you happy now, you sicko?”

Rudy feels like his heart is going to burst, like someone threw an extra fleece blanket over his entire soul. “A little bit, yeah.”

The moment is marred a bit by three security guards storming the Amazon Room. They’re clearly combing for Rudy and Louise, still scrunched together up in the tree. One of the guards even circles the trunk but misses them. Rudy has to pin Louise’s arms down to keep her from throwing another fruit at his head.

“ _Rudolph Belcher_ ,” the oldest, heaviest-set guard shouts, his voice reverberating off the fake foliage. “ _Louise Steiblitz. We know you are in here_.”

“Dude, you got the names wrong,” the youngest guard sighs. “And no, we don’t know that, they could have moved on to another room by now.”

“Well _they_ didn’t know that until you went and blabbed,” the first guard whines.

“Rudolph Belcher,” Louise whispers to herself. “A girl could get used to that.” Rudy blushes and pretends not to hear her.

“Guys, stop it,” the third guard interjects. “Do I need to go back to HR and file for another cooperation meeting?”

“ _No_ ,” the other guards grumble at the same time.

“Then let’s move out.”

They do, or at least Rudy assumes they do based on the shuffling and hard metal clank of a closing door. He pokes his head out of the leaves in front of him.

“All clear?” Louise asks, not as quiet as she could be. They’re golden though.

“All clear,” Rudy replies. “Pull me back in.” Louise does, and they let their legs dangle once more.

“Wow,” Rudy marvels, sitting back down, “so banned from the Museum of Natural History.” Just saying it gives him a rush.

Beside him, Louise nods. “One down, many, many to go.”

Rudy turns to face her. “Many many?”

“I mean, this isn’t _my_ first rodeo,” Louise explains. “I’m banned from Reflections, Fresh Feed, Family Funtime, the Glencrest Yacht Club, Lord of the Fries, the Nurture Center, aaaand Lasers and Gentlemen.”

“Wow, that’s… that’s a lot,” Rudy says.

“I know, thank you,” Louise replies. “You need to step up your game, Rude.”

“Not to _be_ rude,” Rudy continues, “but is that why your only suggestions for dates so far have been walking around Wonder Wharf and the beach?”

“Yeah, I should probably be banned from Wonder Wharf, too,” Louise affirms, “but I’m blackmailing Mr. Fischoeder at the moment.”

“Oh,” says Rudy. Wicked. “Do I… I probably don’t want to know what for, do I?”

Louise knocks her elbow against him before looping her arm through his. “Eh, I’ll tell you some day.”

Rudy nods. “I can live with that.” He takes a minute to survey the plastic jungle around them, admiring the view. “Alright, so. For now, we can get out of this tree. We can go back out there, admit it was a mistake, and leave without ruffling any more feathers.”

“Uh-huh, uh-huh,” Louise replies, bobbing her head intently. “Or?”

“We go for broke.”

Louise’s smile is everything. “Like it. Love it. What’s the plan?”

“How many exhibits do you think we can visit before we get caught?” Rudy pulls a map he had the good fortune to snag on the way inside before the tour guide recognized them out of his purse. (Technically, it’s a messenger bag, but he might as well call a spade a spade since Louise refuses to carry anything other than a wallet when they go out. Besides, he needs it more for his meds than anything.)

“All of them, obviously,” Louise immediately answers, but she sits patiently as Rudy spreads the map out across both their laps.

Rudy raises an eyebrow at his girlfriend. “We’re good, but are we that good? They’ve already mobilized forces against us.” He stares at the map, a vague plan forming. If he works counterclockwise, he can cover more ground in less time, get farther away from the entrance before the guards corner him… “I’m going to guess five. Five rooms.”

Louise sighs and shakes her head. “Oh poor sweet Rudy,” she clucks. “I don’t know if you’re overestimating them or underestimating us.”

Rudy smiles back at her fondly. “I could never underestimate us.”

Louise pulls him in by the collar of his dress shirt for a quick kiss. At this rate, Rudy thinks, every single shirtfront in his wardrobe will be stretched out. He kind of likes that idea.

“OK, so,” Rudy says, straightening out his shirt and resisting the urge to just stay up here and make out with Louise, “anything else before we go?”

Reaching around him, Louise pulls Rudy’s inhaler out of his satchel. “It’s been more than two hours since your last puff, hasn’t it?” She tries to sound accusing but isn’t stern enough. “If there’s one thing I learned about museum adventures with you…”

Rudy sighs, plucking it out of her hands. Better safe than sorry. Besides, he's gonna need all the oxygen he can get for what he has planned.

“Alright, here’s the plan,” Louise says, once they’re out of the tree and back on the ground. She plants her hands on her hips, looking around at the wilted plastic greenery.

“I actually have a plan already,” Rudy cuts in, pulling a second copy of the map from his bag. He jabs Louise with it until she rolls her eyes and takes it.

“Why are you giving me this?”

Rudy grabs Louise by the shoulders and stares deeply into her eyes. “Because this is about to become a contest,” he whispers.

“ _What._ ”

“We’re splitting up,” says Rudy. “Whoever visits fewer exhibits or gets kicked out first has to plan the next date.”

“ _WHAT?_ "

“Good luck, I’ll meet you outside!” Rudy calls over his shoulder as he sprints toward the exit.

“ _HEY_!” He doesn’t need to look back to know Louise is still raging in the middle of the Amazon room. “Oh ho ho, you think you’re so clever! We’ll see who the loser is, Rudy!”

It's Louise, apparently. She's glowering up at Rudy from the bottom of the steps when he finally decides to sneak out of the museum. Her lip twitches, like she's trying not to smile at him as Rudy descends, whistling innocently with hands in pockets.

"Made it to six and decided to quit while I was ahead," Rudy says. That and he was still mildly concerned his wheezing would give him away. He's still surprised he managed to give the guards the slip for as long as he did, that he left of his own volition. Hopefully the girl at the front desk wouldn't snitch that she saw him.

Louise balls up her copy of the map and beans him in the head with it. "Damn it! You know, I'm almost happy I lost. This is great, actually, because _my_ date night is going to blow your date night out of the water. My date night is going to chew up this date night and then spit it out, just for a cheap thrill."

"You have something planned already?" Rudy asks. "Wow, you must have been out here even longer than I realized."

Louise growls, her hands flapping like she wants to strangle him but thinks better of it. " _Just_... check the front zippered pocket on your purse, idiot."

Frowning, Rudy moves his bag to the front of his body and unzips the pouch. He sticks his hand down in the flap, fingers meeting what feels like bits of cardstock paper.

"It's..." He pulls the papers free and nearly drops them in shock when he sees the cursive font on the front. "Two tickets to prom?"

"Yeah, I snuck them in your bag earlier when I was getting your inhaler," Louise replies. "Pretty sneaky."

"Yeah." Rudy really is at a loss for what to say here.

"You don't... we don't have to do it." When he looks up at her, Louise avoids his gaze, looking instead at the loose gravel she's been kicking onto his shoes. "I just thought, we never do 'couple-couple' stuff, you know? And God knows that _I_ don't like to do that stuff, but I know you do, and I thought we- _you_ might want to do this before we graduate." She shrugs. "Besides, if we go and it's lame we can always bail on the dance and have our own kind of fun."

Rudy smiles. He definitely, _definitely_ wants to see Louise’s idea of fun. "I'd like that."

Behind them, the doors to the Museum of Natural History bang open once more, the sound of many angry voices filling the air. Louise and Rudy turn in unison to see a swarm of guards and tour guides descending the stairs.

"Run now, celebrate later?" Rudy asks.

"Good plan," Louise agrees.

She puts one of her hands in Rudy’s, and together, they race toward the parking lot.


End file.
